I’m in a Stepmom Group on social media and they occasionally mention Loyalty Binds or mention that certain behaviors are the result of a loyalty bind. As I started looking into it, I realized that many people are blinded by loyalty binds. Not just children. Whether it’s a child to a parent, a parent to a child, a pastor to a member of the congregation, people to their churches, an employee to an employer, etc. people can be blinded and, as a result, make poor choices due to loyalty binds. They are the binds that blind.
I firmly believe that when you are “loyal to a fault”, you sometimes cannot see the truth for what it is. Facts appear distorted. It’s one of the reasons why attorneys interview potential jurors to see if they can uncover any particular bias or prejudice within a person. Bias, prejudice, loyalty binds … they all distort the TRUTH.
This really is a note to self because I’ve fallen for the loyalty bind game a few times in my life and regret it. For example, a few years ago I got a really good job offer. I had applied with the company back when they didn’t have any openings and ended up getting a different job. When the job did come open and they called me in to interview, I declined because I felt guilty for doing that to the new company especially after my new boss telling me how much he needed me the week before. Well, within a year the new company employee moral was at an all time low and the company ended up folding. In hindsight, I could see that I should have taken that other position. After all, it is the one that I really wanted and when the time came, I missed out due to a loyalty bind.
At a church my kids used to go to, the youth group leaders made out with each other sexually in front of the kids (multiple times even saying “look what you’re in for when you get married”). Many parents like myself were furious, while others were so blinded by their relationship with the youth leaders and the church itself that they chose to close their eyes and pretend nothing had happened. Their loyalty made them unable to see the difference in right and wrong.
In another situation I knew that I needed to cut off my relationship with a “friend”. I even mentioned it to my other friends. But she was also my hair dresser and I felt “guilty” leaving her business and friendship. After all, all people have negative sides and no relationship is perfect. Within a year, that “friend” ended up being one of the worst things that happened to me or my family based on lies & slander (probably because I made new friends and stopped including her in my activities). I was loyal to a fault and it ended up hurting me and my family deeply.
In my blended family small group, there is a woman in there who feels a loyalty bind to her son but to a fault. Her son is grown, will not work, is using drugs, yet her loyalty to him makes her not want to kick him out of the house. At that point, is it loyalty or enabling? Just food for thought.
In another situation, we were reaching out to the kids’ children’s and youth group pastors about issues our kids were having, but their loyalty to the parent who attends their church made it impossible to have any real discussions because everything we said went back to the other parent as opposed to being used to help the CHILD.
Note to self. Watch out for loyalty binds y’all. Be wise in your relationships. Attempt to make decisions based on what is right rather than out of guilt or emotion. Yes, it can be difficult to do, but you’ll be better for it.
Iced coffee cheers your way 🙂