The Journey Continues


I saw this last week and it really rubbed me.  I so want to be this type of girl – this self worth girl – but I’m not.  This life journey is a lot about learning who I can trust, who I can’t and what to do with that information.  Learning to build healthy relationships and being able to remove myself from toxic ones and being able to let others go.  That’s really hard for me because I don’t really cling to people often so when I do it’s full force like I’m Velcro or gum on the bottom of a shoe.   I just don’t let go when I should.  I fight too hard sometimes  creating my own resistance.

I had to chew on this: “the moment that you prove that your value of me does not measure up to my sense of self-worth”… I have realized that my self worth for years has been in being a doer.  Achieving.  Being helpful.  Being needed.  It actually became my purpose.  Unfortunately, that also resulted in realizing that a lot of people only wanted me in their life for their own benefit and gain.  When they needed me, they wanted me.  When they no longer needed me, they discarded me.  At one point I was a board room vote. Like congress. Do we keep her or discard her? Or maybe hold on to her for later?  Like I was no longer a person at times … just a burden or mouth to feed.  And that has gone on for so long in my life as a whole that I began to see it as normal and acceptable.  Just part of life.  But really, it shows another area of weakness within myself that I needed to work on which is gaining a sense of purpose apart from works and apart from others and learning to love myself.

I have been talking this week with a girl from my hometown who is looking at making a career change into the legal field (God help her haha).   Today I asked her whether or not she is going to resign from her current job and take an open legal position.  She said she was still weighing her options but that she sure doesn’t want to miss this job opportunity being loyal to a company that doesn’t have loyalty for her.  Man, I so wish I had that mindset back when I were getting job offers.  Due to my loyalty to a group of grown professional men who I believed “needed me”, I allowed them to take priority over what I needed and what was best for myself and my family.  I became emotionally involved in their well-being always hoping for the best for them and their careers at my own expense.  And it just makes me want to kick myself in the butt.  Not all the time.  Not daily.  But sometimes.  It’s like I have 10 great days then a low day.  One step forward, two steps back.  Three steps forward, one step back.  I know I’m making daily progress forward but the emotional back and forth can drive me batty some days. And I miss them.  Their jokes, witty nature, sarcasm, humor… the good parts of their personalities.  I spent more time with them than my own family so sometimes I find myself lonely and missing the buzz around the office, their memes and hysterical emojis.  Self employment is a gift and I’m very thankful for it.  But it really can be lonely at times especially since I am so dang social.

So let me ask you just in case you find yourself to be a little like me… Where does your worth lie?  Is your worth and sense of purpose dependent on a spouse who needs you, kids who need you, a job that needs you?  If so, what happens when those people or positions no longer need you?  It reminds me of the “empty nest syndrome” some mothers feel once all of their kids graduate and move off.  So much of their life was devoted to child rearing that they don’t know what to do once that season of life is over.

So, for the millionth time, I am reminding myself that life is a journey.  Not a destination.   People come.  People go.  Find your purpose.  Live life to the fullest.  Be yourself.  Be your own best friend.  Take care of you.  You are worth it.




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