The Hot Mess Express

falling-apartI saw this photo on social media a few months ago and saved it for a journal entry. It’s raw, open and honest. I have seen this girl, met this girl and have been this girl a time or two. Especially following my child’s sexual assault by my ex-husband and the legal process that followed along with the guilt I had for choosing that person as a partner. I blamed myself constantly. And I hit rock bottom.

The reality is that sometimes people have to hit rock bottom before they can get better. When I have hit rock bottom I’ve also wounded others with my words and actions. But isn’t it true that hurting people hurt people? No, that does not make it right but it is a reality.

This photo also reminds me to be careful not to judge others because we really don’t know what personal battles or struggles someone is fighting behind closed doors.  Life is messy y’all.

I was talking to my fiery red-headed friend yesterday and told her that taking care of myself or putting my own needs first has always made me feel selfish. As a wife, mother and professional assistant, it has always been second nature to put everyone else’s needs and dreams before my own and to make sure that everyone else was taken care of. At one point I held down three jobs as a single mom to be sure that my children never had to go without and to keep my son enrolled in private school after my divorce. Isn’t that the type of sacrifice we are supposed to make in our many roles as a woman on this journey called life? But at what expense?  At what point do we get off of the constantly moving carousel? When do we stop, take a break and breath?

As women, we cannot properly take care of our husbands, kids and personal relationships if we are doing it from an empty vessel. When I have intimate discussions with other women, I find that they too have hurts, hangups and have ridden the Hot Mess Express train at one time or another. One woman said she went through that for 2 full years when her child was on drugs always feeling like she was waiting on the call that the child had died or gone to jail.

Today’s reminder is that I am giving myself permission to take care of myself first and foremost. To make myself the top priority in my life. Not to be selfish, but to jump off of the Hot Mess Express roller coaster to become the whole healthy and thriving person that I’ve have been created to be so that I can bloom into the best version of myself possible scars and all.  It’s never too late.

~Coffee cheers your way

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